Wedding Ring
by burst 'N bloom
Summary: It started off with a wedding ring meant for a woman, but it all went horribly wrong when the Uchiha realized he was gay for the vendor of the ring he'd just bought. SasuNaru AU. HIATUS
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer**: Naruto isn't mine.

**Pairing**: Mostly SasuNaru

uhhh... I don't really know...

* * *

Uchiha Sasuke wasn't the type of man to be flustered by anything.

Really.

In fact, he prided himself in being so abso-fucking-lutely aware of every aspect of his being, that to be honest, it was a bit unfair for anyone who wanted to get to know the guy. He knew how to hide the parts of himself that he wanted to hide, and he knew how to use his wits to get him the things he needed. And if that required some artful manipulation of people, then so be it.

That being said, it was really unfortunate that as he numbly walked out of the gaudy jewelry store with a smooth tiny box in one hand and the other clutching a crinkled receipt, he couldn't seem to shake off the strange twitch that his neck had started to take on or the otherwise disconcerting thoughts running through his head.

Why, you ask?

Well, Uchiha Sasuke – as convincingly aware of himself as he was – seemed to have realized one little itty bitty fact that he'd never considered before in his life. And that fact was that he just might have become a flaming homosexual in the course of the last 10 minutes.

A shocker, to be sure.

He'd always pinned himself to be asexual – after all, no amount of women did anything for Sasuke Junior down south and neither, in fact, did any amount of men. In times of stress, sure, he jacked off with no other thought in mind except of when he'd finish, but the whole process of actual sex was just so messy and _involved,_ and he didn't want to deal with things like the fragile emotions of flaming fruitcakes or damsels in distress. So instead, he just as easily made good friends with his right hand and his work, and paid his asexuality no heed.

And it would've all stayed that way too, if it hadn't been for his older brother's diabolical plot to ruin his life.

Oh, sure, some people said that the younger Uchiha was milking it for all it was worth and acting like a damn drama queen, but they didn't understand the pain he was going through. Couldn't, really. After all, most people weren't asexual.

Itachi had been slated to marry one Haruno Sakura for the sake of the family business and the bonds it had with the medical hospital that the Haruno's owned, and while most people had written Itachi off as being just about as asexual as Sasuke, the truth came out one night in a short note.

A month before the wedding (so as to be _polite_, he'd said), Itachi had eloped to some faraway country with his friend (or rather lover) who looked suspiciously like a fish, claiming they were in love.

'_Foolish little brother,_

_I have fallen in love with Kisame and am now leaving to pursue my love in a country that will accept our relationship. It'd be quite callous of me to leave Sakura at the altar considering our family and the Haruno's family's ties, so I write this now so that you and Sakura may be happily married and continue on the family legacy with little baby Uchiha's. Unfortunately, I cannot add to that legacy as male pregnancies appear to still be in the works. However, I wish you the best of luck with your marriage, and please invite Kisame and me to the wedding. We'd be delighted to come._

_Love,_

_Itachi.'_

And oh, that'd been the clincher! _Invite the damn bastard to the wedding, _he'd said_!_

Sasuke had been inwardly seething at the note when his mother snatched the paper away and read the words. She wailed to Papa Uchiha that this would be all over the news in no time if actions weren't taken immediately.

So at that moment, Papa Uchiha turned around and stared at Sasuke straight in the eyes for the first time in his little life, gripped the boy's shoulders so tightly that bright red imprints of fingerprints were _still_ stinging on his skin, and said the words that just about killed him.

"Sasuke. _My son_. Do the Uchiha family proud; marry Sakura,"

Sasuke nearly peed his pants. Papa Uchiha just smiled.

.

So, with the hasty remedy of switching one brother with the other, (which Sakura seemed absolutely elated with) the cogs for the marriage were set into place. Sasuke would of course have to buy a presentable ring for the young woman and propose (or _did he?_ It was after all, an arranged marriage. Maybe the rules didn't apply…), so he had set out to one of the more famous of jewelry stores to buy a semi-decent ring for the pink-haired woman. After all, Uchiha's did everything in style –even things they really didn't want to do. Like marrying.

But this, _this_, was where he realized he had erred. If he had just picked a different store, the results might have been different and maybe the marriage wouldn't have seemed _so_ terrible. But alas, it had not, and he had entered that fateful store that would turn his life upside down.

It was called Godaime Jewelry – owned by the Hokage company – and was notoriously known for being extravagant in its design and well known throughout the world for its beautiful rings. As a future Uchiha, Sakura needed to make sure her _fingers_ were at least in fashion, even if her garish pink hair completely dispelled any image of couture. She'd been wearing an elegant engagement ring from Itachi, but obviously, the younger Uchiha had heatedly decided he would quash that ring and one-up his brother in jewelry choices by choosing from one of the best stores available.

When he entered, the lights were blindingly white and glowing. That should've been his cue to run. The counters sparkled with gleaming perfection and the diamonds glinted under the lights. There weren't many people inside – in fact, only one man was manning the entire store with incredible efficiency. And Sasuke really shouldn't have looked at the man but then he did and the rest was history.

The man in question had been helping out a funny little couple, sweet in its quirky inappropriateness with one savage like brown haired boy with tattoos running down his face, and a sweet mild woman with long black hair and violet eyes, when he turned to greet Sasuke.

"Oh, hello! How may I help you?"

Had Sasuke been a lesser man, he would've fainted. He hadn't realized at that point that he had just fallen in love – no, that couldn't have been it. But the employee that had just spoken to him had to have had the most melodically wonderful voice Sasuke had ever heard: not quite masculine enough to be considered gruesome but not high and feminine like the obnoxious women that followed him around. It was… in one word, _perfect._

And _God_, that face and the hair and the body and the way his clothes hung-

"Hello. I need to buy a wedding ring."

He wasn't known as the epitome of self-control for nothing, after all. His voice was flat, and he tried to look anywhere but the Adonis-like figure standing on the other side of the counter. The figure smiled brightly –_oh God, the white teeth and the smile and the-_ and nodded vehemently.

"Right! Well look around and call me if you need anything." '_I'll call you whatever you like, you sexy-… wait, what?' _"I'm just going to finish up with this adorable couple here" Here, he shot a breathtaking smile at the Uchiha with a vague motion towards the couple, and leaned back to look down at the ring they were currently inspecting, speaking in fast, excited tones.

Sasuke breathed slowly '_Ok, ok. What the hell is wrong with me?' _ and glanced back at the blonde god before quickly looking away. '_Ok, so the guy's attractive. Ok, I'll give him that much.'_ He tried to steel his mind by imagining Itachi and that stupid fish-man and picturing the ugly sort of engagement ring Itachi had given Sakura, to try to focus his attention on defeating his evil older brother. The price tags for the rings here were pricy and substantial, and the rings were so over the top to the point of being burlesque. He had the sinking feeling that Itachi had already won this battle. ("_… you bought a gaudy overbearing ring for far more than I did… Foolish little brother, you have no taste for aesthetics.")_

Sasuke stared, burning holes into the countertop to try and combat with the nonexistent Itachi face that had appeared in reflection on the countertop. Said Itachi face was currently burning under the heat of his glare and-

"Hey! You look like you found something interesting, yeah?" He glanced up and breathed deeply at his sudden close proximity with the blonde man. The tag on his broad chest read Uzumaki Naruto, and he smelled like he was doused in semi-cheap cologne and a tub of ramen. Somehow, the mixture of the clashing scents was more alluring than anything he'd ever smelt before.

"Yes, that one." He pointed randomly at a ring. The man stared quizzically at Sasuke before pulling it out from the glass display case. It was… actually not that bad. Not as blindingly bright as the others and not as pricey either. A gold band with a set of three diamonds, the middle of which was intricately carved with inset emeralds.

"Eh? Really? Don't you want one with more.. hm… _oomph?"_ '_I'll give you oomph, right up your-'_

_ "_No… This looks good." And it really did. He mentally cheered himself on for winning against Itachi in the battle of rings, then bent down to inspect the diamond closely. Naruto leaned in slightly as well and pondered over the small piece of jewelry with a loud 'hmm', leaving Sasuke hypersensitive to the warm breath ghosting over him. He jerked back instantly.

Then somewhere in that black hole he called a chest, a heart began to beat faintly.

"I'll buy that one."

"HUH? You don't even want to look at the other rings?! What about this one?!" He shouted indignantly, pulling out the largest rock Sasuke had ever seen from another counter. "This is like, the prettiest ring ever, ne?" He waved the ring around ecstatically, the smile on his face widening as he brought the thing close to Sasuke's face. It hurt to look at, it was so big. He didn't even want to imagine it on anybody's finger. Picking what appeared to be perhaps the most burlesque of all the insanely large rings there, the blonde seemed to be completely unaware of how absolutely hideous the object was.

"... It's not bad..." He muttered calmly, then at a half-assed attempt at a smile which looked more like a smirk than anything, he repeated his request.

"Mahhhh~ you don't understand real beauty, huh?" The blonde man shoved a strong tan hand through his golden hair, springing the locks back into a lively display, as he gave a wry grin, crinkling his perfectly tanned cheeks into that whiskered grin. He started up conversationally again in that beautiful perfect voice of his. "So, got a picture of the lucky girl?"

"Huh?"

"The woman you're marrying of course!" The blonde grinned so widely that his tanned cheeks completely concealed his luminous blue eyes and he raised his arms to his hair awkwardly in a half scratch of the top of his head. "Not gonna lie, most guys look nervous when they come in here. But you- hah! – you look like someone's going to _eat _you!"

. . .

So much for the self-control.

"No, I don't have a picture of her."

"Aw, that's a shame… I bet she's really pretty!" He said with a laugh as he maneuvered his dexterous fingers around the ring that Sasuke had chosen. He pulled out a hand mannequin and placed the band on the ring finger gingerly before holding it out to Sasuke. "So what do you think?" Naruto leaned back and stared straight at Sasuke, practically burning a hole in his face with the amount of happiness in his smile. Sasuke barely glanced down at the ring before staring at the impossibly blue eyes of Naruto and nodding slowly.

"Y-… I-It's perfect."

---

-

And that's how he came to this sad sad state, vacantly wandering the streets with a wedding ring in one hand and a crumpled receipt in the other. In his starched white shirt and suit jacket, he looked confused and lost, which, of course, he was. After all, one did not just realize one was attracted to _a_ gender after having believed that one was asexual. It just didn't happen.

And now, _NOW_, Sasuke had to deal with the fact that he was indeed following Itachi's misguided footsteps by falling in love with a man who looked suspiciously like an animal (because really, Naruto did look like a fox with those whisker-like scars on his face).

But even more pressing was the fact that Naruto must've been under the delusion that Sasuke was a straight man ready to marry a beautiful _woman_ and Sasuke would probably never see the blonde ever again. Something fluttered in his chest at that thought and he growled at himself to shut up. Never mind the fact that growling to oneself might have been a sign of insanity.

Sasuke decided at that moment that he'd have to do anything to get out of the marriage – after all, the honeymoon wasn't going to be good if he couldn't get Sasuke Junior up because it wasn't a blonde man but a pink-haired girl he was bedding.

Either way, he had a feeling he wasn't going to be making little baby Uchiha's anytime soon.

...

Oh, his father was going to kill him.

* * *

Yea... like I said, I don't know.

But review if you liked it! :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer**: Naruto = not mine!

Wow, I definitely did _not_ expect such a big response!

I just kinda spat the first chapter out because the sassy Sasuke in my head was nagging to be written xD but I'm glad you all enjoyed it, and the reviews are seriously huge motivation to keep writing! **Thank you all so much for encouraging me!**

That being said, I'll just warn you now that I might not be as successful in quality in the subsequent chapters (AKA the one you're going to read now.…) And it might take about a week in between each update cause school likes to dictate my life. Also, the pace has slowed down because the first chapter was mostly exposition.

But yea, iunno, we'll see how it goes.

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---

Uchiha Sasuke was not a fan of _new. _

And this?

He mentally scanned a list of things he'd done recently and snidely noted that NO, this was not something he made a habit of doing on a regular basis.

Because instead of being in a comfortable limousine or attending a god awful corporate meeting (which was a sad but inevitable item on his list of not new things), Sasuke had instead found himself strapped down with thick leather binds to an uncomfortable wooden chair, rendering him incapable of using his arms or legs.

This only made him _slightly_ wary – but he was definitely _not_ a complete control freak by _any_ definition of the term – and when he kicked his legs, he found they didn't move. Thus began his hysterical series of hyperventilation.

If this was God or whoever was up there's idea of punishment for shooting down all of those annoying teenage girls' hearts, he didn't think this was really just punishment. Because seriously? Seriously, God? Uchihas did not bode well with being_… powerless._ It was practically a cardinal sin or even, in his humble opinion, akin to having his balls forcibly ripped off. You can imagine that this didn't bode well for him.

He almost started to cry into his sleeve at the thought, before immediately stifling a quiet sniffle, reminding himself that he was an _Uchiha._ And though the situation screamed 'divine judgment' at him, he was STRONG and wouldn't succumb to letting whatever horrific God was up there see him cry.

But then he noticed something peculiar. What was more baffling than the fact that he was bound in a chair in the first place was how cheerfully sprung his little Sasuke Jr. down south was even though the situation really didn't call for any sexual arousal in the slightest. That was, until he heard a soft voice behind him, breathing into his neck.

"And the binds are set!" The voice was like crystal and he practically melted in the chair and oozed out. Suddenly a flash of tan skin and blonde hair appeared in front of him, completing the image of the God he had so hated a few moments ago, and his fingers teasingly ran along his thigh with strong slender fingers.

Sasuke Junior wriggled against his enclosure angrily, attempting to get closer to the sex god that had just approached him. And the only sound that Sasuke could make was:

"…_Uh…?"_

Quite the un-Uchiha-like noise. But at that point, he really didn't give a damn anymore.

Naruto laughed lightly, his voice echoing in that dark chamber and he slowly traced his finger tantalizingly up the Uchiha's thigh before resting on the belt buckle. The fan symbol that Sasuke usually wore with such pride suddenly felt like the greatest hindrance in the world, and then he felt Naruto's slick tan fingers slipping the belt buckle off.

"Little Sasuke wants to play, huh?"

"… g-guh.." Then the zipper was gone, and his pants were yanked down unceremoniously. Even through his lust-induced fervor, he could feel that he should've been at the very least a little bit embarrassed. But what could he do? His hands were tied, both proverbially and literally. "Oh, just have your way with me, moron. I can't do anything to stop you." He grumbled, feigning indifference, although little Sasuke begged to differ.

Naruto chuckled lightly, and Sasuke looked down to see the shock of blonde hair kneeling before him in what was quite a delectably submissive state. Then, oh, _then_ it felt like heaven had just overcome him in the form of a rather talented young tongue and he shut his eyes and succumbed to the bliss, but then something felt a little _wrong_ about the smoothness of the lips-

And then he heard it.

"Really Sasuke-kun?! I can have my way with you!? OMG Ino-pig's going to flip a shit." He opened his eyes slowly and stared down to see that it wasn't blonde, but pink.

Holy.

Fuck.

Suddenly, Sakura ripped off her shirt and descended onto the man like a vulture. Sasuke struggled in vain against the leather restraints, all the while screaming bloody murder when he jerked forward and-

---

"FUCK." He jolted immediately, smashing his head against the elegantly designed overhang of his modern black bed. He'd have to get that changed – especially considering that every goddamn morning that week had been spent that same way: with a fat, pretty bruise from the overhang staining his otherwise perfect face.

Pulling the covers of his bed aside, he wearily looked down to see Sasuke Junior springing happily with the prospects of a go at the sex god his brain had somehow managed to conjure up, completely unfettered by the demonic woman who had ruined all pretense of bliss.

He hated this – really. It had been about a week or so since his first encounter with the man, and the aftereffects were still ravaging his insides like a parasite, if the tented bed sheets in the morning or his increasingly pissy moods were any indications.

Most employees in his department tried to avoid him – which was actually really great, considering the way his mind tended to wander to thoughts about naked blondes when otherwise bored, leaving him with an uproariously joyful Sasuke Junior to tend to.

It appeared that years of lying dormant had made the little buddy quite active now that he had found something to keep him otherwise _occupied_. Unfortunately, imagination was about all he had going for him.

Physical relief with said blonde and reality seemed to evade him through the entire week while fantasies continued to plague him, and that's when he realized he had to tell his father before things got even more out of hand. Considering just how pervasive Sakura herself had been in his dreams, he knew he had to act fast before he became even more sexually stunted than he had been before.

And that dream just now had been the last straw.

One freezing shower and a few hours perfecting his image later, Sasuke decided the following: he had about 3 months until the end of his life, and God only knew he was too young to give up his youth now.

Not that he was really going to _die_ but all sense of libido and other sorts of pleasantries (not that Uchihas ever admitted to feeling _joy_) would vanish in a matter of a day, and he'd never get his freedom back again. He blanched inwardly and struggled to fix his crimson tie once more. He breathed in deeply and began speaking quickly without taking so much as a breath.

"Right. Father. So I'm actually way more gay than you thought – and you must've thought I was _pretty_ gay considering I always followed Itachi's footsteps and look where he ended up – but the fact of the matter is I'd much rather be fucking this one really delicious man I met at the wedding ring store than Sakura. Really." He halted and managed to catch a breath. Earnest onyx eyes stared into the mirror and blinked. It was very clear that his speech would obviously win great favors with his father.

He ran a comb through his hair because, homosexual tendencies aside, he was still an Uchiha. And even if he had no real plans for the day besides dropping the proverbial bomb on his father by coming out of the closet he didn't know he was in, he had to make sure he looked good. If all went well, it would be quick and painless – like ripping off a band-aid on a bloody oozing wound.

Although Sasuke likened this momentous day to be more like an axe wound through the chest than a little scab.

Setting the comb aside and fluffing his hair as casually as he could, he tapped his watch once, looked at his reflection with a tiny smirk (because, let's be honest here – he looked good) and walked out of his bathroom.

His mind – so analytical like most Uchihas were – continued to process this new situation quickly. After all, his father had heard of _one_ son turning gay. Maybe the second wouldn't be so bad. Didn't women say that popping _one_ baby was hell but the second one slid out a bit more easily? Sasuke nodded and gave himself an inner pat on the shoulder. Things would be _A-OK._ And if they weren't… well, at the very least, he could have a hot and heavy romance with the blonde before his doomsday. And maybe after his doomsday, they could remain on constant speed dial or something. Something like a booty call, although he didn't think the term really suited him.

He made his way outside of the apartment and into a black luxury car, ready to approach his parents and tell them the bad news with a grim frown on his face. At least the booty call didn't sound so bad.

…

OK, so scratch that. His absolutely perfectly prepared and eloquent speech had completely disappeared from his mind by the time he had arrived at the Uchiha manor.

White stained his knuckles against the black leather steering wheel and he slowly breathed in. Alright. Uchiha's were born for pressure. Uchiha's were the epitome of self-control. Epitome. Right. Sasuke closed his eyes and imagined an immaculate fan symbol and traced it a few times in his mind, muttering his mantra of 'Cool. Calm. Collected.', before shaking his head severely and nodding to himself. He was Uchiha Sasuke, he was going to talk to Papa Uchiha, and he was going to be _cool, calm, and collected._ And damnit, it was going to go perfectly.

He exited the car and entered the quaint little mansion with a new air of panicked calm. The maid led him upstairs to where Papa Uchiha and Mama Uchiha had apparently been watching television. Why his father was not working was a mystery indeed, considering that the recent merger with another company _should have_ been eating up his time, but Sasuke decided against pressing the issue. He knocked the door lightly and heard his mother scrambling to her feet, shouting "I've got it!"

The door opened, and a frazzled Mama Uchiha appeared, with the television blaring Jersey Shore behind her. She smiled at her son instantly and pulled him into a tight embrace, as she led him inside.

"Sasuke, what are you doing here all of a sudden? I-Oh, I wasn't expecting any visitors today…" She muttered quickly, patting her skirt down nervously. Casting a forlorn glance at the image of 'The Situation' and his otherwise ridiculous antics, she reluctantly turned the TV off. Papa Uchiha grunted in the back and made his way over, clearly upset at his dose of stupidity being interrupted.

"I need to talk to you both about the marriage." Sasuke muttered, already distracted by the image of having just seen his parents enjoying a tv show on MTV, much less Jersey Shore. The whole thing was just about enough to make him want to reconsider the whole Uchiha legacy his father had always talked about – but only just barely.

His mother nodded and led them down to the sofa, where she and Papa Uchiha took their place at the center. Sasuke, ever the polite little child, took his place kneeling at the ground and looked up at his parents. And then… the speech left him, and instead the sensation known only as word vomit decided to happily take its place. It seemed that a lot of Sasuke's organs like Sasuke Junior and his mouth and his twitching neck, recently had taken on a life of their own.

"Well father – actually, the thing is I can't marry Sakura. I mean, it just wouldn't be _proper_ and we all know how obsessed you bloody are with _proper_. See the thing is I-I uh." He paused and scratched his head lightly before his deceitful little tongue decided to go ahead and throw up the rest of his unprepared speech. Oh, he could already feel Itachi laughing at him now… "See, I knocked up this girl." '…_uh?' "_And the Haruno's would be really upset if they knew. I think I'll just lay low. Right father?"

A few short seconds passed by and Sasuke could almost hear Itachi's confusion. Hell, _he_ was even confused. But then again, he was an Uchiha and Uchihas – as he had reminded himself in the car – performed best under pressure. And this excuse wasn't half so bad, although it did leave one thing to be left desired: the whole, coming out of the closet thing.

His father blinked, turned to look at his wife, then turned back to look at Sasuke. Then he started to laugh.

"Sasuke, you're not a virgin?!" Here, said son indignantly fumbled over his words, spluttering angrily as he glared at Papa Uchiha, who was at present wiping away some tears of joy. "Oh, son! This makes me quite nostalgic actually. Back in my day, I was spreading the seeds of love too! I'm glad you take after me – after all, Uchiha blood is quite precious and we must spread that love." He smiled fondly at some bizarre memory that Sasuke _really _didn't want to know about, and then his father spoke again. "I was so worried that you were actually gay. Now _THAT _would've been cause for cancelling the wedding-"

"Wait, father, I lied! I'm gay-"

"Now now, son. I know you don't want to marry Sakura, but that's a little extreme." His father stood up, brushed his pants down and leaned down to pat Sasuke's head affectionately. "Sakura will be pleased to know that you _do_ know how to love a woman. And don't worry about your lovechild with that woman. We'll take care of keeping your little Uchiha spawn under wraps – as long as you keep that lady killer Sasuke Jr. Sakura's property from now on."

Sasuke stared in abject horror. Whatever the hell had just taken over his father and was now posing as him was doing a terrible job, and really, what the _fuck_ had just happened to his plans for escaping the wedding?

"Wait, no seriously. I met this fucking hot ass guy at the wedding ring place and I want to bone him really hard." He paused and recollected himself only to begin to wail again, "I'm a virgin! I AM!"

But the older Uchiha would hear none of it, and only relayed onto his wife how happy he was that his youngest son was spreading his Uchiha genes throughout the world like a proper male should (unlike Itachi, who had already spurned this ability by pursuing male pregnancies. Needless to say, Papa Uchiha was not impressed with his eldest son.). Papa Uchiha strongly believed in blatant masculinity, which also translated to an animalistic 'survival of the fittest' theory that his offspring would soon come to dominate the world. Whether this idea was sound or not, Sasuke didn't think he had quite the balls to answer. Snapping the son from his reverie, Papa Uchiha grumbled loudly enough to shake his thoughts.

"Now Sasuke. Stop lying to me and please leave. You are cutting into precious Jersey Shore time and I will _not_ allow for you to rescind this marriage with Sakura, under ANY circumstances. Now move, you're in the way." Papa Uchiha flipped on the TV and waved his son away, trying to gain more insight on how exactly Snooki's breasts seemed to defy all natural laws of gravity. What was only slightly more alarming was the fact that he was at the moment wondering how he could utilize this highly sought after knowledge on his dear Mikoto. Said woman was blithely unaware as she watched the insipid show flash before her, but Papa Uchiha reasoned that she didn't have to be aware of it – the poor woman wouldn't know what hit her.

---

And with that, option 1 of Sasuke's list of possible ways of getting out of his marriage was crossed out. Apparently proclaiming that you had knocked up another woman was _not_ the right thing to make the Uchiha family reconsider the marriage, and rather only served to fan on the flames (oh, the pun killed him, it really did).

Which was really something else, if you thought about it. Most families didn't exactly enjoy providing for little children running amok from various mothers – bad publicity, at the very least- but then again, the Uchihas weren't most families.

And Sasuke was not the typical groom.

He wearily looked down at the scrap sheet of paper where he had written down some of his more plausible options and sighed. This next plan would be a joy ride, that was for sure.

In his spindly neat handwriting, he had scripted in black ink the following.

_Option 2: Piss Sakura off enough to have her call the whole thing off. _

What this would entail, he wasn't quite sure.

He _could_ think of a few things that she wasn't quite fond of, primarily including thick eyebrows and spandex, but he wasn't really sure if his heart was ready for that leap yet… And then he imagined those gorgeous blue eyes and the perfectly pert lips, the sandy blonde hair and whiskered cheeks and sighed in defeat.

Oh, the lengths he would go to have just one taste of that god-awfully gorgeous blonde.

* * *

**AN**: So ok, I'll be totally honest. I don't really know where this is going, but wherever it is going, it WILL be SasuNaru. And I'm sorry if this totally _sucked_ but yeah.

I've like got the worst commitment issues in all matters of importance like relationships and writing and such things. But reviews do help! :)

Hopefully it wasn't as terrible as I thought -_-. We shall see…

Oh yeah, and Jersey Shore. I don't know, I don't watch it, but my friends do. It sounds pretty dumb… so I wanted to poke fun ;P

OKKK byeee. Until next time!


	3. Chapter 3

Hmm a long time coming, I guess

So I dunno how i feel about this one. I've been like super obsessed with Hetalia these days which is why I couldn't get my head into Naruto gear at ALL, but ya know! XD

Well Sasuke and Naruto meet again this time! which is good. I felt bad about putting him through so much shit haha

anyways, review please if you enjoyed it! I get lots of favorites and alerts, but I just wanna know what you guys like or what i should fix up and stuff, cause I totally am unsure about this story..

* * *

_Option 2: Piss Sakura off enough to have her call the whole thing off._

That settled it. If Sasuke had to hear one more _fucking_ word about the _oh so elusive_ perfect shade of red for the flower arrangements, he was going to lose what little bit of sanity he had left.

It wasn't so much that he was irritated about the flowers as he was about his failure of a plan. In a stroke of what had to be pure unadulterated _genius_, Sasuke had decided that Sakura was simply interested in him because of his rather aloof demeanor and his alarmingly good looks.

Who could blame her?

It was practically a universal truth that Sasuke had inherited the best genes of all in the Uchiha family, which respectively was blessed with the best genes in all of Konoha. IE; he was hot stuff.

But if being good looking and 'mysterious' was all it took, then he just had to… be obnoxious… and look physically unattractive – not that this was even possible for Uchihas. But he could at least try, considering the prize on the line. AKA one delectable blonde ring boy who would most definitely be writhing in his bed once this goddamn mission impossible was over with.

And so he'd tried his best and he really _had_ tried quite hard.

He had purposely refused to shower in the morning (which made his skin crawl), he'd worn crumpled clothes, came out of his apartment with an obnoxious look on his face and tried his best to ask Sakura embarrassingly personal questions like 'do girls really shit? Like seriously?'. If that didn't turn her off, he didn't know _what_ would.

But, in the end, Sakura only found his bedhead adorable, his disheveled clothes to be a sign of his anxiety to see her, and his obnoxious chattering a sign that he was warming up to her.

Even when he interrupted her babbling to inform her that her forehead was big and pale enough to act as a solar panel, she just giggled and said his hair resembled the butt of a duck, as if it were some kind of flirting banter between the two. Which it most certainly was not.

Regardless, Sasuke continued to follow Sakura around solely for the fact that he had stumbled upon some_ very_ interesting information that would be sure to land him in hot water.

It was the well-known truth that brides-to-be became monstrously irritable as their wedding day came closer. It was also a well-known fact that Sakura had one of the worst tempers in all of Konoha. It only made things _exponentially_ better that their wedding had been rushed due to the whole Itachi fiasco, which meant she would be doubly irritable.

Sasuke couldn't have asked for better circumstances - the conditions were prime for the picking and all he'd have to do was stand around and ask idiotic questions (mind you, this was also difficult for a refined man as himself) – but there was just one problem: Sakura was just the picture of perfect composure.

Not once had she admonished him or blown her top. She simply laughed his annoyances off and mumbled something about how cute he was and THAT was infuriating beyond belief.

It was even more infuriating that _he_ was the one getting annoyed when it was supposed to be the other way around. He'd vowed to follow her all day in order to piss her off but to no avail. Which explained his presence in a goddamn flower shop, where he stood around impatiently, tapping a finger against his arm with a permanent scowl on his face.

His eyebrow, thoroughly unkempt, was twitching with quite the fervor as his lips tugged down into a deep frown. Beside him was Sakura, clutching onto his dirty white sleeve with the hawk-like grip of a prison guard, and beside _her_ was Yamanaka Ino.

And no matter how hard he tried to quell the need for blood because calm and sensible were practically synonymous with his last name, his bones were just aching to break something – and fast.

Bright flowers littered the greenhouse. Pots begged to be smashed. All it would take was one swing and then KABOOM, but no. _NO,_ he had to be a goddamn Uchiha and wasn't that just a fucking ray of sunshine…

Sakura continued on talking good-naturedly with her iron grip, motioning wildly with her free hand to Ino.

"Well, see, when I was engaged to _Itachi,_ we had planned on a lighter red – to go with his eyes, y'know? But hmm.. see now I feel like we should go with a darker red, oh, what do you think Ino?"

"Oh, definitely. Sasuke-kun would look much better surrounded by more of a blood red – although I'm sure your fat head will probably ruin the entire design, but that's ok –"

And then of course, the two friends began bickering more out of habit than anything. By their standards, though, Sakura had already won with the prize being him of course. This boded none too well with the Uchiha who would've much rather liked being the prize of another person, preferably of the other persuasion without misshapen globules of flesh on his chest.

But that's when it struck him.

Genius, that is.

Although, judging from the way his genius had been treating him thus far, he really shouldn't have listened. But he needed a way to get away from his ridiculously _cheery_ fiancée– and if it involved invoking hell on earth then so be it.

He mustered up a cheerful smile (Ino quickly asked him if he needed to use the restroom and that it was in the back and that she could show him if so. This worried the Uchiha – since when had his fake smile become so… pathetic?) before speaking slowly.

"Ino." He paused and mentally blanched. Oh, the lies that were going to spill out of his mouth were going to be so disgusting. "Your hair is quite beautiful."

She blinked slowly, then rapidly and then a confused look dawned on her face as blonde eyebrows cocked up in curiosity. The look was then replaced with even more confusion when Sasuke leaned over, stroked her hair, and breathed in the scent of it as convincingly as he could.

In all actuality, Sasuke wanted to gag.

"You _truly_ are one of the loveliest ladies in Konoha." Ino's eyes grew wide partly with adoration and partly with fear, because behind Sasuke was a deadly still Sakura who stared at them with evil flames licking at her eyes.

Sasuke mentally cheered - that had to have done the trick. He tried to fan on the flames by pretending not to notice and took one of Ino's delicate pale hands into his own.

"Yamanaka Ino.. It's a beautiful name." Sasuke quickly conjured up a fuzzy image of Naruto – the man in the ring store – and smiled realistically. "Uchiha Ino sounds nicer though."

And then Sakura went berserk. A wicked smirk crawled its way onto Sasuke's lips as he saw fury and rage completely take over the pink haired girl as she tore off the heads of various flowers in the store. Ino was still in a state of blatant shock until she saw the petals flutter to the ground after which she quickly shook off the confusion

"HEY- Forehead girl, stop killing my flowers! Oh my god, seriously, if you keep this up, I'm so not doing your flower arrangements." Ino growled under her breath as she quickly bent down to pick up the beheaded bulbs.

As she went down, Sasuke took a leap of faith and did what he knew he had to do – for the sake of Naruto's love at least.

She knelt down to pick the flowers and at that precise moment, Sasuke leaned down…

And smacked her butt.

Then it went eerily silent.

And all hell broke loose.

---  
In his defense, it'd been a really good plan – superb actually. Had it been any other woman, Sasuke reckoned it probably would've worked. However, Sakura had been nursing an incurable crush on him since grade school and wasn't that just a complete bitch?

After having punched various large holes through the flowershop, Sasuke had to promise to reimburse the Yamanaka's. Sakura later apologized for her actions – although for what reason, Sasuke really had no idea – and professed to him the depth of her _love_ with the whole grade school story. Not that he really cared all that much. He was just upset that he'd lost money.

Because seriously, after all that excitement, the only thing he'd managed to do was get fined some repair fees, and _really_ this was just getting ridiculous. And what was even worse was the fact that he couldn't even remember the blonde's face perfectly anymore!

What would he do when he got sexually frustrated?! Jerk off to a _fuzzy not HD_ version of the man? The frustrations in his life were simply mounting to an all time high, and so he decided on a whim – purely a fancy of the day – that he'd drop by the Godaime Jewelry store. It struck him that he wouldn't have an excuse for being there considering that he'd already bought a ring, but he just _reaaaaallly _ wanted to go see Naruto again.

Maybe ascertain that he was indeed gay.

So, defeated, Sasuke walked the streets in his scrubby clothes and his messy hair looking all sorts of a mess. And it almost made him want to cry that he looked like this – because this was not how his charmed life was supposed to be. Seriously. He was born with _Uchiha blood_ running through his veins; the world was supposed to bow down to his every wish whenever he damn well wanted it. Unfortunately, the world clearly didn't see it his way…

But, it didn't matter because he was going to go see the light of his life in a matter of minutes, and everything would be like a fucking rainbow – happy and gay!

And that was that. No negotiations. Nobody was going to fuck it up this time.

He continued walking, mindlessly traipsing across the street in search of that gaudy store again – and when he had actually arrived there, he peeked through the window to see if the blonde man was there.

Instead of what he expected to see, he saw… cleavage.

And lots of it.

He blinked and rubbed his eyes, because the person in question _was_ indeed a blonde before he came to the realization that _'oh, that wasn't Naruto.'_

Sasuke frowned slightly once he came to the conclusion that maybe today wasn't his shift, but he pushed through the doors anyway and charged right through.

Approaching a large set of misshapen large globules protruding out of a cream blouse, Sasuke stared up to see a tall blonde woman with piercing brown eyes looking absolutely unimpressed with his state of dress. She raised an eyebrow before scanning him up and down before a lazy smirk found its way onto her lips.

"Well welcome." She said, thrusting her arms open and displaying her rings. The big globs of fat hanging off her chest jiggled and Sasuke mentally gagged.

"Hello." His mouth decided at the moment to take up a mind of its own and continue on without using its _brain_ – much as it had been doing for, oh the past few weeks now – "I was just wondering if Naruto was in? I'm his friend."

Because, yes. They were _most_ definitely friends. Not that Naruto even knew his name, actually, but that was besides the point.

The woman hummed loudly and then gave a short snort.

"Oh come on, if you were his friend, you'd know exactly where he was." She laughed loudly and shrugged. "Where else but Ichiraku Ramen?" Sasuke huffed loudly and nodded, quickly thanking the busty woman. Her hazel eyes glinted almost maniacally under the bright lights and she simply nodded as he walked out in a semi-idiotic daze. Not that Sasuke was ever idiotic. It was just that he _had just walked past the damn place 5 minutes ago_.

Ichiraku Ramen, huh? Ramen was food meant for the poor, college money-saving scrubby students – not elitists like himself. Ramen was food meant to fatten the waistline, and Sasuke was fairly certain that if he indulged in the food, he wouldn't fit into his tailored suits anymore and that would really be a crying shame considering the Italian threads were more than just pricey.

Uchiha's were always svelte and lean – like models really. But if there was _one_ food absolutely capable of adding inches to the waist, it had to be ramen. And goddamn it, even if his soon-to-be-lover was sitting in the damn place, he would _not_ give into the smell and order one for himself.

This was what he told himself as he finally made his way into the ramen stand.

And then he smelled it – the smell that had been lingering on Naruto's sleeve from the first day he saw him and he almost melted into a pale of indistinguishable goo. He sat down, broke a pair of chopsticks, and ordered a bowl. So much for self-control. But at least the smell would remind him of his oh-so-deliciously-gorgeous Naruto… Who… by the way, was supposed to be there.

Sasuke glanced around, one way and the other, and then huffed, before suddenly his eyes landed onto that absolutely flawless visage.

Oh, there was no doubt about it. He was most _definitely _ gay for him.

"Oi oi, ojee-san! Another bowl!"

"OK Naruto! Coming right up!"

Across the stand, like in a movie where a boy and girl meet eyes from across the room, he saw him. Sasuke sucked in a deep breath as his eyes lingered on the tan flesh. The blonde in question hastily wiped his mouth with a napkin and waited impatiently for another bowl to be set in front of him, the tight rolled up sleeves of his light blue button up scrunched against his muscled arms. His blonde hair shook in anticipation, his eyes glimmered with excitement, and his mouth stretched in the most perfect smile Sasuke had ever seen.

Oh god, was that a whimper that just escaped his own lips just now?

Sasuke quickly steeled himself once the ramen came, only now noticing how voracious his hunger had become. He gulfed down the ramen hungrily, stealing discreet glances at the blonde as he conversed with the ramen-shop keeper.

FUCK, suddenly he wished he knew how to make ramen. He eyed the soup and the noodles moodily, wondering if it was a hard art to master. Not that anything was really ever hard for Uchiha's – but this place _did _ have somewhat good ramen… Regardless, the most important thing was that this old man had managed to lure Naruto in and Sasuke could do absolutely nothing about it except maybe start his own ramen stand. Or something.

Sasuke quickly finished his bowl and set his chopsticks down, only to curiously watch Naruto finish what appeared to be his 5th bowl of ramen. The boy practically inhaled the stuff and yet somehow his figure was absolutely _flawless_: muscular, lean, tall, sculpted, oh so sexy, probably quite flexible too…

Then he realized that the shocking cerulean eyes had fixated themselves onto his own.

And he almost pissed his pants in excitement.

Naruto blinked slowly, then as if something had just sparked in his head, he grinned immediately and waved at Sasuke exuberantly.

Sasuke gave a limp wave back.

Then the blonde god suddenly jumped out of his chair and set off onto the other side of the ramen shop, his hips swaying seductively, his hair swinging like rays of soft sunlight, and his button up shirt flexing across his defined muscles. Sasuke suddenly felt his mouth become excessively dry and gasped down a gulp of water, almost choking on it when the blonde plopped himself down on a chair next to him and smiled that god-forbidden sexy smile at him.

"Hey! I remember you!" He grinned cheerfully. "I'm Uzumaki Naruto! I helped you out with the wedding ring, right?" Sasuke slowly nodded, almost unsure of his own traitorous tongue and managed to coax out a few words.

"Yes… I'm Uchiha Sasuke,"

Oh, this was just bliss, wasn't it? Surely the two would hit it off, fall in love, run away from his oppressive family, and have rigorous sexual intercourse until his balls fell off. It'd be _wonderful_! Sasuke allowed himself a glance into the inevitable future and almost let off a lazy smile on his otherwise stunned face.

Naruto, though, merely scrunched up his nose and tapped his lips (such pink, pretty pink lips!) lightly as he glanced upwards.

"Uchiha Sasuke huh? Hey wait a second…" He paused dramatically before shoving a tan finger right into Sasuke's face, accusingly. "_You're_ the one that has the gay brother who ran away with a blue guy, right?" The Uchiha blankly stared at the blonde, still enraptured by the fact that he was actually TALKING to him, before quickly quipping.

"That.. would be me, yes." Naruto shut up for a second, his luscious little lips pursed in curiosity as he looked up at the lights, before quickly shrugging.

"That's cool." Then he leaned in and called out for some more ramen, to which the old man nodded with an exuberant smile and a 'HAI HAI!'. The blonde grinned at Sasuke. "So did your girlfriend like the ring you got her?"

"I didn't give it to her yet. It's… for the actual wedding."

"OH! Right, right, sorry." He sheepishly rubbed the back of his head and Sasuke seriously _seriously_ just wanted to take the man and run away and never come back. Although that would be extremely _Itachi _of him and god only knew he didn't want to be like Itachi. "Well hey though! Aren't you excited? You're gonna be a married man soon!" Sasuke simply shrugged and with a half-hearted smirk muttered under his breath.

"Not if I can help it." Then he turned and grinned at the gorgeous man in front of him. "To be honest, I couldn't be dreading the day more."

"EHHH?! But – marriage.. It's- it's supposed to be the happiest day of your life!" Naruto looked nonplussed at the boy's declaration – and the confusion was really just too absolutely adorable on his whiskered cheeks and Sasuke decided at that moment that he had been going about the whole thing far too passively. It was time to get serious.

"It's really quite a sad story actually. I'm being forced to marry against my will."

"WHAT?!"

"Oh yes, it's horrible, isn't it?" He nonchalantly waved a hand around at his clothes. "Look at how distressed I am. I can't even dress myself properly anymore, I'm so upset."

"You.. You should talk to your parents!"

"Oh, please, they're Uchihas. Would they really-" Here the old man decided to interrupt by placing an overflowing bowl of ramen in front of Naruto. "- listen to anything little ol' me has to say?" Naruto shoveled a chopstickful of noodles into his mouth and voraciously chewed on the springy substance as he mumbled thoughtfully.

"Oh… yea, tha' ish' troo." He quickly swallowed the noodles and took a swig of water. "Though, still! You can make the best of it, I guess. She can't be _that_ ugly, right?" Sasuke imagined the solar panel forehead and shrugged. Besides that, she wasn't exactly _ugly._

"I guess not…" Naruto had somehow in that short span of time managed to inhale about a half of the huge bowl, and was smiling appreciatively at the remaining contents.

"Well, hey. If you ever want someone to talk to about weddings, I'm your man!" He flashed a cheerful grin and a cheesy thumbs-up at Sasuke, who merely twitched at the inanity of the pose. Although… it did look absolutely adorable on the boy in front of him. Which was besides the point, anyways. "Oh shit, my aunt's gonna kill me if I don't get back, so I'm going to go. I'll see you around Sasuke!"

He suddenly stood up whipping out a wad of cash and thrusting it at the old man. He waved to Sasuke and took off in a light jog back to the jewelry place, reeking of ramen.

Sasuke blinked at the empty chair, looked over at the retreating figure, and promptly smashed his head on the counter.

He was seriously going to get nowhere with the blonde at this rate. But – but, at least the way he said his name, the way it slipped off his tongue was so fucking _sexy_, that the little horny Sasuke in him waggled his tongue and did a little jig.

The horny Sasuke in him began to cheer even more, when he realized he could still see the shapely outline of Naruto's perfect little butt.

"Sir, are you going to pay for your ramen?"

Sasuke sighed before pulling out a few bills.

Thus far his plan had only succeeded in proving that his parents were insane, Sakura was violent and obsessed with him, Naruto had a really nice butt, and _Sasuke_ was getting absolutely nowhere.

God, he was so fucked.

There was no other plan in his so called list, really. He'd just have to be atrocious as possible tomorrow, in both fashion and image. Which meant borrowing spandex from a certain Rock Lee. And refusing to trim his eyebrows.

Things were going to go just great.

* * *

And so we leave with a promise to embarrass him even further ;)

If you couldn't tell, I totally just bombed that last bit with Naruto in it. I dunno, I just have more fun torturing Sasuke than I do furthering their relationship for now. I have plans for when it's actually gonna really start kicking into romance, but it's not yet. Soon, but not yet. Maybe next chapter, we'll begin the burgeoning of loveeeee xD

anyways, yea, review if you enjoyed it! :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer**: Naruto is not mine!

**Notes**: God, I'm so sorry for the wait! I loved the response to the last chapter but I just could NOT get my mind on Naruto for a second. ; Seriously. Hetalia. I can't get enough of it.

But, I tried! I sort of coaxed this one out a little, and I may be a long time before the next chapter but we'll see. Hopefully it doesn't feel forced?

* * *

Sasuke was a man on a mission. And this wasn't your regular, run of the mill, covert op, CIA sort of mission. Oh, no. This was much _much_ more than that.

This was the sort of thing that – he reasoned – any lesser man would've paled at or actually, probably fainted at. A mission so heinous and disturbing that even he, heir to the Uchiha throne, could hardly believe his own audacity at attempting.

But the thing had to be done – there was no getting past it. And Sasuke was not the sort of man to give up easily. Nope. Not even considering what his actual plan at the moment was.

It was exactly 2:37 AM in the morning, and Sasuke was at the moment cruising silently by on the streets in his car, searching for a particular apartment with a particular key spinning about his finger. Things would proceed perfectly. It was a matter of his mantra 'cool, calm, and collected', and seriously, if Sasuke couldn't do this, nobody could.

Granted, if he _did_ get caught, the likelihood of his being decapitated was extremely high, but that was a thought for another time.

Upon finding said apartment, he stealthily snuck out of his car and made his way inside. The keys in his hand read 345 so when he got to the elevator, his plan was already proceeding perfectly. He got off at the third floor, mentally pleased with his own absolutely feline slyness. At reaching the door with a bold 345 written across the top, he fiddled with the key and jerked the door open as furtively as he could. Again, his chest swelled with indeterminable pride. God, he was good.

He pressed against the door, gently pushing it open and gratefully found the lights to be off and the house to be at a standstill. Perfect.

The place smelled like sweat and there was a proliferation of weights and training equipment littering the area. Sasuke fished out a tiny flashlight and thus began the true test of his wiliness. Inside the lion's mouth – so to speak – was the most dangerous part. And this lion, as admittedly odd as he was, was pretty fucking terrifying sometimes.

Sasuke's footsteps barely creaked against the wooden floor tiles as he inconspicuously made his way about, feeling around for a solid door in order to find the bedroom.

And when he did find it, he was more than a little surprised.

At pushing it open, he had found Rock Lee inside. That was rather anticlimactic in it of itself, but _then_ oh _then,_ the real kicker came.

The little fuzzy eyebrow-ed freak of nature was actually awake. And exercising his biceps, apparently. At 2:37 AM.

He looked up and locked eyes with Sasuke in surprise, his arm curled up to flex his muscles.

"Sasuke-kun?" Sasuke vaguely wondered if maybe he could just slowly walk away and pretend he wasn't actually real, but that idea was quickly shot down once Lee stood up and poked him. "Wha- how- wh- how'd you get in my house?" The boy looked completely nonplussed; which was rather unsurprising considering his presence there was probably a legal offense. Sasuke's lips curled down into a short thin line as he cleared his throat awkwardly.

"Hello Lee. Sakura ah, she gave me the keys."

Which wasn't exactly true, but Lee didn't need to know that.

When Lee had been in his prime stages of wooing said pink-haired fiend, he had presented his apartment keys to the girl as 'the keys to the eternal love in my heart!' At hearing that, she promptly tucked away the keys in her desk, never to see the light of day again.

Then she told Sasuke about it after their engagement as a token of their 'trust', and after he managed to coax her to throw it away, he nicked the little metal thing for his own good use.

… Oh,_ what?!_ It's not like anyone actually expected Sasuke to let a thing like that go to waste.

Well, in any case, this was a better fate for everyone than if Sakura had actually used the damn thing.

Lee sighed sadly and placed his dumbbells down as he plopped down on his bed.

"Ah! I see… Yes, your love for Sakura is endless and bountiful!" He deflated significantly. "Still, it'd be nice if she acknowledged me… instead of giving you the keys to my heart."

Sasuke twitched slightly.

"But ah, Sasuke-kun, I still don't know why you're here…?" He again awkwardly coughed into his hand and glanced around curiously.

"Hm… Sakura has requested that I – ah, borrow some of your training outfits. She thinks they're … fashionable."

Yes… _fashionable_. Sasuke let out a low evil chuckle in his mind as he calmly rubbed his hands together behind his back. If a full bodysuit made of spandex didn't get Sakura running from him, he didn't know what _would._

Lee's fuzzy eyebrows shot up excitedly as he sprang to his feet.

"O-oh? Sakura-san likes my- my fashion?" He positively beamed. "I'll bring you a new outfit, Sasuke-kun! I don't want to hinder your youthful love for each other by denying you such a gift!" Here he shot Sasuke a familiar blinding smile and a bright thumbs up which horrifyingly reminded him of the same pose used by a cuter, brighter little blonde man a few days ago. Except at that time, it'd been something cute and pleasant to look at. Right now, his eyes were practically burning out of their sockets.

In any case, Lee quickly ran off, all pretenses of his unhappiness already cast off. Sasuke stood awkwardly at the doorframe of Lee's room, wondering how this whole scheme had gone down without so much as a light scuffle, but attributed his good luck to his Uchiha charm. It was something the world just couldn't deny.

Although, when Lee arrived with a pair of flesh-tight olive green training suits in his arms, Sasuke winced and amended his previous thoughts – it wasn't his charm doing the work; it was more like the gods were making fun of him.

"Hn…" Of course, he couldn't just act delighted about the prospect of wearing those disgusting outfits, but he had to seem somewhat grateful. Mustering a small nod, he retrieved the spandex from Lee. "…Thank you. I'll pay you back in turn."

"No Sasuke-kun, taking money from the benefit of blossoming love is quite uncouth! I couldn't accept such bargains." Lee smiled wanly at Sasuke. "Although, no offense, Sasuke, but I think you should probably be heading home. And leave the key behind when you go."

Right. It was a damn good thing Sasuke had made a copy of the key and left it at his house – it wasn't that he wanted to stalk Lee or anything, but it would probably prove fairly useful in the future.

"Ah, ok. Thanks again Lee."

"No problem! Goodnight Sasuke-kun, drive safely! And remember to keep the branches of your love with Sakura-san blooming until they become the fruits of springtime love!" Rock Lee smiled and waved Sasuke away, but not before picking up a 50-pound dumbbell and menacingly curling his right bicep with ease. His generally kind demeanor took on a slight shadow in his smile as he continued wielding the unhealthy amount of weight without breaking a sweat in a terrifying manner. "Or else..."

Sasuke quickly left. Not because he was scared or anything, no –nothing like that. It was just that… it was late. Yeah. That was it.

Sasuke might've exaggerated the threats of Rock Lee just a smidgeon though, but that was to be expected. The boy had muscles like Chuck Norris on steroids and that was enough to send cold raw shivers down the Uchiha's back.

Still, Sasuke had gotten what he came to get. Although, admittedly, it was a bittersweet victory. He lifted the spandex outfit distastefully in front of him and crinkled his nose. The thing would probably chafe like no other.

Then again, what was a few hours of annoying itchiness compared to the hell that would surely overcome his life after marrying Sakura?

He swept back his hair in perfect Uchiha fashion and sighed.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow would surely dissuade Sakura. After all, she'd made it quite clear how terribly _fond_ she was of spandex whenever she complained about Lee.

Tomorrow would save him.

But when was Sasuke ever right? After all, that's what he'd thought about all the other days thus far, and look where that got him.

---

"Hey… Do you think he's got a boyfriend?"

"Uh… I don't know, why don't you go ask him? Though he would probably lie and said he did if you asked…"

"Shut up, forehead girl! But really, he's kind of cute…"

"Pfft, nowhere near as cute as Sasuke-kun. Who, by the way, is _still_ not here." A soft irritated sigh. "Sasuke's usually so punctual!"

"Yeah, well, maybe he's late cause he doesn't want to see your ugly mug."

"Ino-pig, I'm going to punch your walls again. And your face."

Silence ensued.

That was a rather good call on Ino's part, considering Sakura punched harder than most men she knew. She huffed loudly and fiddled with a long strand of blonde hair falling into her eyes.

The wedding band in front of them fidgeted slightly, staring expectantly at the duo- soon-to-be-trio that had yet to be joined by one Uchiha Sasuke, who was incredibly late. The guitarist fiddled with his strings and tuned for the umpteenth time. The bassist seemed to be taking a nap, and the singer was babbling to the bassist, who was most definitely _not_ listening. The drummer was eating chips and spraying bits of spit and crumbs about the floor, but no one really cared.

Mostly because everyone was waiting for Sasuke to get there already.

You might be wondering where said man was, and that'd be an excellent question.

He was, in all actuality, very much prepared to leave from his apartment, but his feet had at the moment refused to move from the spot in front of the mirror. The culprit for his obsession?

Spandex.

It was probably fabric made by Satan, meant to devour family jewels and any sense of dignity for a man to hold onto. Sasuke was almost certain that he was going to regret his fashion choice, but the deed was done and the clothes were on. Sure they made his butt look good in the right light and sure, he had a wonderfully fit body that it helped flaunt, but it didn't change the fact that he looked downright _flaming_.

Which, actually yes, he very much was, but that was besides the point. He grudgingly fixed his hair one last time and sighed at the image of the tight bodysuit. Well, if it got rid of Sakura…

When he finally made it to the venue where the wedding band was auditioning, he slowly poked his head through and saw Ino and Sakura sitting on chairs impatiently. It took a long time to swallow his pride – mostly because his pride was so damn big – but he finally did it. He walked out as nonchalantly as possible and when the scuffling sound of his shoes made its way to Sakura and Ino's ears, they instantly turned to look at him with slightly aggravated but cheerful smiles

Then the smiles fell. What replaced them were looks of 'oh-my-god-is-he-wearing-what-I-_think_-he's-wearing?' and 'what-the-fuck…?'.

A little part of Sasuke shriveled up and died inside at that look, but he simply sauntered over as proudly as he could and sat himself down next to Sakura as if nothing were at all amiss.

"Uh…"

"Sasuke-kun… Haha… Did you uh, meet with Lee or something?" Sakura giggled nervously with a slightly bewildered stare. Ino stifled a laugh and bit down on her knuckles, forcing herself to stare straight ahead at the band.

"Hn. I happen to enjoy spandex as much as the next man." Ino snorted. Sakura's eye twitched and she slowly tore her eyes away to look up at the band.

"Ah.. ha… I … see." She seemed to have been rendered speechless, which again was a rather hollow victory for the Uchiha. He fidgeted slightly in the tight clothes as if he were caught in a second skin and sighed lightly. The fabric, surprisingly, didn't chafe as much as he thought and although it left him feeling as though he were walking around naked, it was actually quite comfortable. Sasuke decided that spandex wasn't so bad and he could probably do with wearing it around the house. Just not in public.

"…W-well, Sasuke-kun, uh.. Well, yes, the wedding band! Yes, yes. Ok, let's hear them. Ok?"

Sasuke nodded curtly, having forgotten why he was even there in the first place. Ino's face was red from holding in laughter, rendering her an odd mix of primary colors, starting with a bright yellow, a tomato red, and then the dusty blue of her eyes.

Quite an atrocious mix.

And that was when Sasuke glanced up from his faux nonchalance to see an almost mirror image of bright yellow, tomato red, and glistening blue eyes. Said image of primary colors was giggling too, hiding behind a microphone stand and failing miserably. Noticing that Sasuke was looking at him, the blonde smiled and burst out laughing.

"Sasuke! I-I didn't know you liked spandex so much."

No.

No.

Nononono.

Hell to the fucking no.

Naruto giggled again, shoving his fist in his mouth to keep from laughing out loud again.

Why the hell was this idiot here? Witnessing perhaps the most embarrassing moment of his life? _Why?!_ Sasuke cleared his throat calmly, belying the dark red blush that had settled on his nose.

"… Naruto. I didn't know you sang in a wedding band." Naruto waved a hand flippantly as he allowed himself to look over at Sasuke again. Then the hysteria started up once more. Sasuke didn't know who looked more peeved off – himself or the lazy-eyed bassist, although said bassist seemed to be having a good time watching said Uchiha writhe in embarrassment.

"Oh, well, I don't know. I really like weddings! That's why I work at Granny Tsunade's place. There's something really magical about weddings, yknow?"

Oh.

Well if that didn't just send his heart into tiny little flutterings, Sasuke didn't know what would. Then again, the ungrateful little hysterical man was suddenly looking quite the candidate for murder with the way he couldn't seem to contain himself. When Naruto finally calmed himself down along with Ino, he smiled and pointedly looked away from Sasuke's general direction.

Which ticked him off a little. But he let it slide, since he was dressed like a moron and didn't want Naruto to remember his image in spandex while he was sitting down. Maybe if Naruto looked at him while standing..? Because, really, his butt looked pretty damn good in it. Seriously.

Naruto coughed lightly into the microphone and cast a brilliant white smile over at the three 'judges'.

"Got any requests? We know a lot of wedding songs!" Sakura 'hmmmed' quietly to herself as Sasuke rolled his eyes. It wasn't like the two were lovers and had their own 'song'.

"Oh, I know! How about Savage Garden's 'I Knew I Loved You Before I Met You'?"

"That's a _horrible_ choice. You most definitely did not love me before you met me." Sakura deflated.

"'When a Man Loves a Woman'?"

Sasuke snorted at the irony in that. Sakura sighed and tapped her lip thoughtfully, before snapping her fingers as sea foam green eyes lit up.

"'Stolen' by Dashboard Confessional? That's what Itachi and I decided on last time…"

… fucking Itachi.

"Hn." Sasuke looked away, unconcerned. If all went well anyways, he wouldn't even have to marry the woman. And then the song wouldn't even matter because they'd be _through_!

"Hey, I can do that! I can sing it! We've done it before!" Naruto shouted excitedly, adjusting the microphone stand to give himself a better angle. The bassist sighed and slugged off the bass from his shoulder and laid it onto the case. He lazily made his way across and sat down at an electric piano in the corner and turned it on, as if having expected this.

The guitarist fiddled with his strings and strummed a few notes, allowing the amp to reverberate the gentle sound.

The drummer continued eating. After having successfully depleted the plastic bag of all of its chips, he set the garbage aside and picked up his drumsticks, counting them off to began a slow 4/4 rhythm. The guitarist picked up and began his melody alongside the drummer carefully, laying the foundation for the song to begin.

And then Naruto sang.

And it was glorious. Like a legitimate 'hallelujah, Jesus, he sounds like heaven!'. He had that same pure quality of tone, his voice quivering just the right amount and settling in crystalline pitches. Effortlessly reaching up for high notes and crooning into the mic, it was as if the song was made solely for him to sing.

Sakura began whispering to Ino and Sasuke had to repress the urge to punch her in the back of the head for ruining this moment of perfection. He had the voice of an _angel_ and he looked absolutely perfect, standing there with the mic in hand, and _nobody_ was going to ruin it. Not even his future wife.

"_You have stolen my heart."_

Good god, this was most definitely love. It had to be. There was no other explanation Naruto sang mostly with his eyes closed, although when he opened his eyes – like a professional, he pointedly looked away from Sasuke to maintain a straight face, and looked at Sakura.

'_Good plan'_ Sasuke mused with a small laugh in his head. After all, a girl as plain and boring as her could most definitely stop Naruto from messing up the perfect song.

He sang into the microphone with a soft husky quality and stared at Sakura, and the song slowly ended.

And it was _good._

"Oh my gosh, you guys are great!"

"Yeah.." Sakura gave a weak laugh and looked at Sasuke for approval, who merely nodded in agreement. Naruto beamed happily and nodded like a puppy, tail wagging around in sight of a treat.

"Wait, so we got the gig?"

"I.. guess…?" Sakura looked at Sasuke again, who nodded once more in silence. He had heard enough. It was the music of angels. It would fit the future sort-of wedding of an Uchiha.

"WOOHOO! I've never sang at a ritzy family wedding before! I bet the food's going to be _awesome_. And everyone's going to be rich! I bet the bridesmaids will be pretty too!" Sasuke was fairly certain the mention of bridesmaids was simply to convince the 'happily-engaged' couple that he was straight and not in fact queer. Which he was also certain was a lie. The blonde continued rattling, grabbing the drummer's shoulders and shaking him about, yelling something about caviar and fine wine.

All in all, a fine day. Until Sasuke stood up and brushed off his pants to realize '_oh yeah, I'm in spandex,'_. He quickly sat back down, trying to cover up the skintight fabric from the object of his… wet dreams. Sakura blinked and turned away from Sasuke, clearly disturbed by the olive green layer over his skin. Ino had managed to flounce over to the bassist and was poking at a few keys on his electric piano as she flicked her blonde hair. He seemed thoroughly unimpressed.

Naruto, though, had bounced on over to loom over both Sasuke and Sakura with a broad smile on his tanned cheeks.

"So this is the famed Uchiha couple, huh? For an arranged marriage, you guys look pretty cute." Uchiha barely maintained a straight face as he suppressed a pointed glare at the girl sitting next to him. She gave a nervous laugh and piped up in response.

"Thank you, Naruto – was it? I'm really looking forward to our marriage!"

"As long as he doesn't wear a spandex suit to the wedding, huh?" Naruto snickered half to himself and although Sasuke mildly wanted to sock him in the face for how idiotic he was behaving, he had to admit that the mischievous look on Naruto's face was rather.. endearing.

"I may consider doing that, actually."

Sakura's neck slowly cricked to the side as she turned to face Sasuke with a horrified expression on her face.

"Ha.. Ha… that was a joke, right? Yes. A joke."

Although, the prospect of Sasuke making a joke seemed to horrify her even further if her crinkled solar panel of a forehead had anything to say about it. He stared steely back at the confused green eyes and shook his head 'no.' Maybe he could get rid of her _today._ She looked like she might go running, screaming 'bloody Mary' at any point now, so suffice to say that Sasuke wanted to push her as far as he could.

"No, actually Sakura, spandex is quite liberating. I think I might just order a spandex suit for the wedding – specially tailored for me, of course." Sasuke smiled half to himself when he saw her visibly pale. Oh, for once, his plans were going just as he had planned.

When Sakura fainted, Naruto scratched his head and poked her forehead a couple times before declaring that she had fallen asleep.

"So she's the one you're being forced to marry, huh?"

"Yup."

"Hey man. I'm not trying to start anything, but if you don't want her, I sure as hell would be glad to take her in your place!" He grinned and sheepishly rubbed the back of his head, a light blush tinting the tanned skin of the bridge of his nose. Sasuke blinked a few times, then rubbed the inside of his ear and tried to reprocess what he'd heard. "I don't know, I was really hoping the one getting married was the blonde one so I could ask Sakura out. But y'know… if things don't work out between you two…" Sasuke almost fainted at that.

_What_?! Stupid solar panel forehead had somehow managed to… no. no. It had to be a lie. A lie to keep up appearances of being straight! Of course! Sasuke almost laughed to himself but the sound in his head came out harsh and biting.

No. Not good.

Not good at all.

Let it be said for anyone who was a skeptic, that Uchiha Sasuke, clad in a skintight olive green spandex suit sitting next to his heart's desire and the collapsed body of his fiancée, did not start weeping at that moment. It was just a speck of dust in his eye. Really.

* * *

God. Deus ex machina, much? Oh man, this was a pretty fail chapter. I don't know if I'll continue this regularly, but I want to finish it at least.  
Review if it wasn't absolutely dreadful ahaha


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